Attending a Japanese Funeral: Etiquette, Kōden and What to Say

Most Japanese funerals are Buddhist and take place over two days: a wake called 通夜 (tsuya) in the evening, and the funeral and farewell ceremony, 葬儀・告別式 (sōgi, kokubetsushiki), the next day. As a guest, wear plain black mourning clothes, bring condolence money called 香典 (kōden) in a special envelope, offer incense when it’s your turn, and say a short, quiet phrase such as このたびはご愁傷様でございます (kono tabi wa goshūshōsama de gozaimasu, “I’m so sorry for your loss”). Nobody expects a foreign guest to know every custom, and a sincere, quiet presence matters most. Here’s what to expect and what to say.

Wake or funeral?

If you were close to the person or their family, you may attend both. Colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances often attend just the wake, which is held in the evening and is easier to fit around work. Many families now hold smaller, family-only funerals called 家族葬 (kazokusō). If the notice says so, or says condolence money is declined (ご香典はご辞退), respect it and send a card or message instead.

What to wear

• Men: a black suit, white shirt, black tie, black socks and black shoes.
• Women: a black dress or suit with sleeves and a knee-length or longer skirt, black tights and plain black shoes.
• Keep it simple: no shiny accessories or bright colours. A single strand of pearls is usually fine. A dark suit is acceptable at a wake if you have come straight from work.

Condolence money (kōden)

Kōden is given in a special envelope, 不祝儀袋 (bushūgi-bukuro), tied with black and white or silver cords, sold at convenience stores and stationery shops. Write your name on the front, below the cords. Common words at the top are 御霊前 (goreizen) or 御香典 (gokōden), but the right one can depend on the family’s religion, so ask if you can. Many people avoid crisp new notes, which can suggest you prepared for the death in advance. The usual amount depends on how close you were and your age, so ask a Japanese friend or colleague what’s normal. Hand the envelope over at the reception desk with a short phrase and a bow.

Offering incense

During the ceremony, guests take turns offering incense, called 焼香 (shōkō). Watch the people in front of you and follow them.

• Walk to the altar, bow to the family, then to the photograph.
• Take a pinch of incense with your thumb and first two fingers, raise it towards your forehead, and drop it onto the burning incense. Repeat once or twice, or just once if the line is long.
• Put your hands together in prayer, bow, step back, and bow to the family again.

What to say

Keep it short and speak softly; trailing off is natural. Avoid words that suggest repetition, such as 重ね重ね (kasanegasane) or たびたび (tabitabi), because they imply more misfortune, and avoid asking how the person died.

After the funeral

You may receive a small bag of salt to sprinkle on yourself before entering your home, an old purification custom. Families often send a return gift, 香典返し (kōden-gaeshi), some weeks later; you don’t need to thank them for it formally. If you couldn’t attend, a short condolence letter or card is a kind gesture.

If you need help with Japanese

Losing a Japanese relative or friend while living abroad often means writing to family in Japanese or speaking with relatives you don’t share a language with. We can help you write or translate a condolence letter, and provide a live interpreter for family calls or visits, in person or online. See translating letters to and from Japanese and an interpreter for family calls.