Japanese Family Words: Haha or Okāsan? Talking About Your Family and Theirs
Japanese has two sets of family words: plain, humble words for your own family, like 母 (haha, my mother), and polite words for someone else’s family, like お母さん (okāsan, your mother). You also use the polite form when you speak directly to an older family member, so you call your own mother お母さん at home but say 母 when talking about her to a colleague. Mixing the two up is one of the most common mistakes learners make. This guide gives you both sets, the words for in-laws, and how families actually address each other.
My family and your family
| English | My family (humble) | Someone else’s family (polite) |
|---|---|---|
| Family | 家族（かぞく） | ご家族（ごかぞく） |
| Parents | 両親（りょうしん） | ご両親（ごりょうしん） |
| Father | 父（ちち） | お父さん（おとうさん） |
| Mother | 母（はは） | お母さん（おかあさん） |
| Older brother | 兄（あに） | お兄さん（おにいさん） |
| Older sister | 姉（あね） | お姉さん（おねえさん） |
| Younger brother | 弟（おとうと） | 弟さん（おとうとさん） |
| Younger sister | 妹（いもうと） | 妹さん（いもうとさん） |
| Grandfather | 祖父（そふ） | おじいさん |
| Grandmother | 祖母（そぼ） | おばあさん |
| Husband | 夫（おっと） | ご主人（ごしゅじん）、旦那さん（だんなさん） |
| Wife | 妻（つま） | 奥さん（おくさん） |
| Son | 息子（むすこ） | 息子さん（むすこさん） |
| Daughter | 娘（むすめ） | 娘さん（むすめさん） |
| Uncle / aunt | おじ／おば | おじさん／おばさん |
Rule of thumb: when talking to people outside your family, use the left column for your relatives and the right column for theirs. 私の母は先生です (My mother is a teacher), but お母さんはお元気ですか (How is your mother?).
What families call each other
At home, the rules work differently. Younger family members call older ones by their role, not their name: children say お父さん, お母さん, お兄ちゃん or お姉ちゃん, often in a casual form such as パパ, ママ or おばあちゃん. Older family members call younger ones by name. Parents often call each other お父さん and お母さん once they have children, taking the child’s point of view. You may even hear grandparents call their adult child お母さん in front of the grandchildren.
Husband and wife
Words for spouses are changing. 夫 and 妻 are the neutral choice for your own spouse, and they’re safe at work. You will also hear 主人 (shujin) and 嫁 (yome) or 家内 (kanai), but some people find these old-fashioned. For someone else’s spouse, 旦那さん and 奥さん are the everyday words, and ご主人 is a little more formal. If you’re unsure, パートナー is increasingly common too.
In-laws
- Talking about them: 義理の父 (giri no chichi, father-in-law) and 義理の母 (giri no haha, mother-in-law), or the shorter written forms 義父 and 義母.
- Talking to them: most people call their parents-in-law お父さん and お母さん, sometimes written お義父さん and お義母さん. Wait to be told it’s fine, or follow your partner’s lead.
- Brothers- and sisters-in-law: 義理の兄, 義理の姉, 義理の弟 and 義理の妹, depending on their age compared with you.
If you are meeting your partner’s parents for the first time, our guide to meeting your Japanese partner’s family has the phrases and manners to know.
Common mistakes
- Calling your own mother お母さん at work. To colleagues, she is 母.
- Using さん after your own family. Like your own name, your family doesn’t get honorifics in front of others. See Japanese honorifics.
- Saying 兄弟 only for brothers. 兄弟 (kyōdai) often means siblings of any gender: 兄弟はいますか means “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
Practise with real family stories
Family words come up in almost every first conversation, so they’re worth practising out loud. In lessons, a native tutor can help you talk about your own family, ask about someone else’s, and get the in-law vocabulary right before a family visit. Heritage learners speaking with Japanese relatives may also find our guide to Japanese for heritage learners useful.